


I am from a burning village

by valya_azucena



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Action/Adventure, Canon Universe, Developing Relationship, Drama, F/M, One-Sided Mikasa Ackerman/Eren Yeager, POV Mikasa Ackerman, Romance, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-21
Updated: 2021-03-02
Packaged: 2021-03-13 07:35:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 18,917
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28899759
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/valya_azucena/pseuds/valya_azucena
Summary: Year 852.After Eren disappears in Liberio, Mikasa Ackerman rummages through her roots and her past, under the inquisitive shadow of Levi Ackerman.
Relationships: Armin Arlert/Annie Leonhart, Krista Lenz | Historia Reiss/Eren Yeager, Mikasa Ackerman/Levi
Comments: 74
Kudos: 262





	1. The girl who knew too little (about herself)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! :-) Thanks you for clicking on this fanfic ❤️.
> 
> This story takes place in the canon universe, in between the period when Eren flees to Marley and the raid on Liberio. I'm not quite sure how long it is between the two events (in my mind it's between six months to a year lol), so I'm going to take advantage of the flash forward and play with time relativity ahah. That being said, I want this story to be as close as the manga as possible (of course I'm going to invent some stuff because it's a fanfic after all eheh), so expect A LOT of One-sided EreMika. For me, it would be pretty unreal if Mikasa forgets about Eren that easily and runs into Levi's arm (although every fellow RivaMika shipper wants that snif), so if you don't drink from that cup maybe this isn't the fanfic for you because it's going to be a HELL OF A SLOW BURN!!!¡¡¡¡ You've been warned already 8D
> 
>  **Edit March 6th:** I wanted to let you all know that I'm doing a general revision of the chapters published so far. I won't include major edits that are changing the whole story because it's already published lol, but I'm adding some details that, in my opinion, will make the story more cohesive and coherent and BETTER in all respects. So, if you've already read past chapters you might want to check them out again (if not, that's okay ahah), and if you're new, then it's your lucky day ehehe.
> 
> Without further ado, here's where the story begins!

* * *

_Year 852_

Mikasa wouldn't think about herself too often; her past always brought her back bitter memories. But it was difficult to forget where she came from. Every time she looked at herself in the mirror, she saw her tiny almond-shaped eyes, her thin and straight black hair, and her white-snow pale skin looking back at her. Every piece of her was a recurring reminder of who she was. But she decided to be like an arrow, always moving forward, never thinking of the past, protecting the only family she had left: _Eren_.

But Eren was gone now. He disappeared on Levi's Squad expedition to Liberio, nowhere to be found. That was months ago, and Mikasa was now sitting in her dark and lonely room, wondering what could’ve happened if she’d given Eren a different answer.

_What am I… to you…?_

She raised her arm to see her tattooed wrist. Her mother told her not to show it to anyone -yet she showed it to Eren-, and she always hid it behind bandages and long sleeves. But on that sleepless night, she contemplated her mother's family crest engraved in her naked skin. Her mother did not teach her a lot before she died. Mikasa only knew that her parents were chased inside the walls and were forced to live in the forest. There, they met and formed a family. There, Mikasa was born.

It was a quiet childhood, a quiet and happy childhood. As much as she can remember because their time together was too short to get to know each other better. Sometimes she forgets the sound of her mother's voice or the look on her father's eyes. Happy memories tainted with a painful end. That is why she doesn't want to remember. She clenched her fist and the skin under the tattoo tightened. _Look forward. There is no use in dwelling on the past. For there is a future in store for you. With Eren._

But Eren was gone now.

Mikasa lay down on her bed, covering her eyes with her forearm. She could feel a vein throbbing in her head. There went her headaches again....

_What am I going to do now?_

* * *

Paradis was a quieter place now than it had been in the past. The Survey Corps had swept away all the Titans swarming on the island to construct the new seaport. Now the islanders could both spot unwanted Marleyan ships on the horizon and start trade relationships with other countries. Although Paradis did not have many allies. In fact, it only had one: Hizuru. But it was a good start point for a society that knew nothing about diplomacy.

Hizuru was the land of the clan of Mikasa’s mother. The clan engraved on her wrist. " _Be proud of who you are"_ , said her mother the day Mikasa turned ten, tattooing the symbol of her linage on her skin. But Mikasa didn't know what to be proud of. She didn't know much about herself nor where she came from. So she felt somewhat relieved the day she learned there were more people like her. The day she met Kiyomi Azumabito, it was like seeing her mother alive again, and her heart ached but felt warm at the same time. Mikasa admited awkwardly that she did not know much about her mother or her clan's history, but Lady Azumabito seemed to notice -and understand- her lack of knowledge. This way, on successive trips between Hizuru and Paradis, she brought her books, so Mikasa could find out more about her history and her past.

Azumabito's books remained a long time piled up in her room, unread and untouched. Those were difficult times, but things were swiftly changing now. Without the Titans, the islanders were no longer forced to live behind the walls and started to repopulate Paradis. Likewise, the Survey Crops grew in popularity after the battle of Shingashina district, and more and more soldiers were signing up. But for the rest of them, there was not much to do anymore. There were no Titans to kill and no lands to explore. And the heads of the Survey Corps were preparing a mission to retrieve Eren from Marley (to lock him up this time for good before he does something as reckless as crawling into the lion's den again).

Mikasa didn't have much to do either, except for training, maintaining her equipment, and doing paperwork when needed. After all, there was no home to return to. Shinganshina was destroyed twice and after the reconstruction, she could not recognize her hometown anymore. The streets she used to wander in, the riverbank where she played with Armin and Eren, the market where they did the weekly shopping. It was all gone. The Jeager's house was not there either, nor would be someone there waiting for her.

She brushed off those gloomy thoughts by opening one of Lady Azumabito's books. She was at the headquarters' library, looking for a bit of silence amidst the loud freshman soldiers running all day around the court. The library was not very luxurious, a wooden room with a low ceiling and two shelves on opposite sides. There were not many books either: a couple of volumes on military strategy, the history of the Survey Corps, and general information about the Titans. Mikasa was not much of a reader, so instead of reading carefully, she flipped through the illustrations. A pastel-colored sunset with mountains on the horizon, framing the ocean. People in elaborated robes of vibrant colors: red, blue, and yellow. Women wore their black hair in a tight bun, as Lady Azumabito did. Mikasa, who was not very fond of growing her hair out, wondered how she would look with that hairstyle.

And then, she heard a voice.

"You won't find what you're looking for in there."

Mikasa thought she was alone at the tiny library and flinched at the sudden statement. Levi Ackerman was standing next to a shelf, glancing absentmindedly through a book. It was like a ghostly apparition, lurking in the shadows, his bangs slightly covering his eyes and a pronounced wrinkle between his eyebrows. Mikasa thought that no one really used the library, but she was apparently wrong. Captain Levi looked like a proper reader (unlike her) and a frequent user of that room. And he didn't seem very happy to receive this new company, so Mikasa thought it was better to pack up her things and leave.

But she kept thinking about what he had just said.

"And how do you know what I'm looking for?" she asked, halfway through sorting her belongings.

Levi looked away from his books, his piercing eyes fixed on hers. He was several inches shorter than Mikasa, and although she was no longer a rookie -and they had fought side by side against the Titans-, she still felt small by her side.

Levi pointed at her book with his chin. "You are reading the books Azumabito brought you, aren't you?" He said. Mikasa tilted her head, confused.

"How did you know she brought me books?" He stared at her longer than she would have expected.

"Of course we knew she was trying to win you over," he finally said. Mikasa blushed involuntarily.

“Did you… follow me?” And then, he closed his book with a loud thud

“Not me personally, but a random soldier of a lower rank,” he explained with an apathetic tone. “But sure enough, what did you think? You are the descendant of the Shogun clan after all.”

Mikasa blinked repeatedly, disoriented. Since when did the army follow her movements? She had always been a devoted cog in this machine called the Survey Corps, an important tool in their duty against the Titans, but only a tool, after all. And now she was on their commanders' radar, who watched who she spoke to, where she was, what she read. She was a suspicious element to watch over. Mikasa pressed her lips and looked down.

Levi ignored her reaction and continued: "We still don't know Hizuru's true intentions in Paradis. Haven't you wondered? Why are they the only allies we have? Why are they the only nation supporting us against Marley? Is it only because of an old friendship between two royal families? Or is it because the last heir of the Asian clan inside the walls is still alive?" Mikasa felt the captain's eyes scan her from head to toe after his last sentence, but she was too self-conscious to hold her gaze back. "We don't know anything about them." He concluded and opened his book again.

Each of his words pierced her chest like a dagger. Of course she could see Lady Azumabito's hidden interest. She was no idiot. She just wanted to know more about herself, a little more about her mother. Her blushed cheeks were soon ignited by restrained anger: She owed Levi no explanation.

"Whoever my mother was, I am still a Subject of Ymir, sir," she said as she put her last book in her bag, shook her uniform, and stood up straight. "That's where my allegiance lies."

Levi kept an unimpressed face, before replying: "I'm not talking about that."

"What is it, then?" He remained expressionless, as he returned his book to its shelf. He reached towards the door, and with his hand on the handle, turned slightly to answer:

"Don't be what others expect from you."

* * *

Mikasa rode through the endless meadows of Paradis without thinking anything in particular. At her back, she could hear the continuous gallop of his companion's horses: Armin, Jean, Connie, and Sasha. The squad knew the island's geography almost by heart, although it was blurring before their eyes day by day: a valley in a few weeks was a hamlet, and in a few months it was already a village. With every new expedition, they found entire forests disappearing, and new houses and roads built instead. Life was peaceful, and the Survey Corps had no longer a clear mission, as it once was the expeditions beyond the walls and the elimination of all Titans. 

And the villagers did not wait to complain about how the army was wasting their taxes.

"Tch. They have no idea what's going on outside", Jean complained after passing by a group of unfriendly-looking villagers cutting wood. "While they're building their cute houses, Marley is planning the best way to kill us and PAFFF! No more cute houses."

From time to time, the Survey Corps made security patrols to check there were no more Titans on the island. During the first months after the major elimination of Titans, some abnormal varieties woke from their slumber or emerged from their hiding places to attack the barely half-built villages. The government warned the villagers not to venture so far from the walls in the first stages of Paradis' repopulation, but the islanders did not listen, tired of living behind the walls for so long when the whole world awaited beyond. Many died, but the islanders insisted on building villages outside the walls, even when there was no guarantee that all Titans had disappeared. Yet everything seemed calmer nowadays and sightings of Titans were increasingly rare. Mikasa couldn't remember the last time she fought them and wondered whether she was too out of practice.

"Don't say that, Jean". Armin calmed him down. "They don't know much about what's going on outside either. It's classified information after all".

They rode in silence for a long stretch, leaving behind the new settlements and entering the depths of the virgin forest. Mikasa felt the smell of pine filling her lungs and the autumn sun peeping through the dense trees. There was much more world than this island, but this world was already wonderful enough, she thought.

But it wasn't worth it if she was alone.

Her body hurt somewhere between her chest and her throat.

_What would be of Eren now?_

The group dismounted near a stream hidden among the trees. The horses were tired after hours of constant galloping and needed rest and water. Meanwhile, the soldiers filled their canteens and rested among the rocks. Connie yawned and stretched shamelessly.

"Nothing new to report," he said, resting his cheek on his palm in a gesture of boredom. "For a change," he added wryly.

Sasha seconded his yawn.

"I wish they'd invent another excuse to say that we are working," she wiped a drowsy tear from her eye's corner. "It's been months since we've seen a Titan."

Around her, Jean, Armin, and Mikasa scrutinized the infinite thickness of the forest with distrust. Connie smirked and laid down on the stones, resting his head behind his neck.

"They don't pay me enough to…"

"Shit, CONNIE!"

Like an earthquake, a Titan emerged from the underground. Everything was a confusion of mud, rocks, and guttural screams, but the group reacted on time, firing their vertical maneuvering equipment and hooking themselves to the surrounding trees. Sasha grabbed Connie by the waist and dragged him along before the boy could understand what was happening. It was a small Titan, five meters tall at most, with an unfriendly face. His eyes looked like two pustules on his humanoid face, angry because they had interrupted his eternal slumber. He emerged from the stones where they were taking a break just a few minutes ago. A couple of horses flew through the air, and the others fled, frightened by the commotion.

"TRAITORS!" Connie shouted at the horses.

"You weren't even paying attention," Sasha scolded him.

Armin, a couple of branches further back, fired his smoke gun, signaling the presence of a Titan. Jean snorted.

"Do you really think there will be someone around to detect the signal?"

"I must try," Armin answered sharply.

But as the column of red smoke rose through the trees, Mikasa descended with her usual speed through the endless trunks and ripped the Titan's neck off. Blood, steam, dirt, and silence. It was all over in less than a minute.

The group exploded in shouts of joy.

"As one would expect from an Ackerman!" Jean shouted.

 _Ackerman?_ thought Mikasa, as if she hadn't heard her own name in a long time. The Titan evaporated at her feet. _What is it exactly expected from an Ackerman?_ Her last conversation with Levi sparkled in her head.

" _Don't be what others expect from you,"_ the Captain had said.

Armin went down next to her.

"Mikasa, are you all right?"

Mikasa could not answer, for the earth began to vibrate under their feet.

"Shit, there's more!" the girl muttered, and both soldiers jumped with their equipment into the trees.

At least ten titans of different sizes and proportions emerged from the clearing in the forest where the group rested. All of them, with the same malicious and greedy face the Survey Corps knew so well.

"What is this bad joke!?" shouted Sasha. "A nest of Titans?"

"It seems so," mumbled Mikasa, drawing her blades to fight back, but she felt Armin's hand halting her.

"Wait, Mikasa. You can't finish them off by yourself. Let's make a plan."

But the Titans did not wait for Armin's sharp mind and began shaking the trees voraciously. The group didn't hook on the trees and lost its balance, and Sasha slipped, falling into the void of the forest. A monstrous hand grabbed her before she could fire her vertical maneuvering gear, but even before she could panic, she felt the gas screeching, the blades clattering, and the steam exploding. The hand holding her lost strength, and Sasha fired her hook, getting out of the Titan's reach. That was Mikasa, there was no doubt about it. But where was Mikasa?

"Mikasa!" shouted Sasha. The rest of her team looked small as mouses in the vastness of the forest and under the threat of the Titans. "Where is Mikasa!?" Sasha insisted.

Mikasa emerged like a whirlwind of blood, steam, and flesh from the hands of a Titan, dragging her blades along the length of that arm and jumping to slice his captor's nape.

_Three down._

There was no Armin's plan to follow, and each fought the Titans as they entered their visual range. Out of habit, she tried to spot Eren in the middle of the battle.

But.

Eren was not there.

And then, she felt a hand closing around her, squeezing her rib cage. Her body was paralyzed by sadness and didn’t react quickly enough. And in a split second, she was entering the jaws of a Titan.

Shit.

_So I am really that out of practice._

In a different time of her life, Mikasa would have broken through that Titan's pharynx with ease, but at that moment, she just closed her eyes and thought of Eren.

A house in the forest, the smell of firewood and pine mixed together. A different life.

"MIKASAA!", she heard her companions screaming.

Again, the screeching of the wires, the hissing of the gas, the clashing of two swords, and the torn flesh. Mikasa felt herself flying through the air, with one arm holding her firmly by the waist. A human and warm hand. She knew that hand.

"Captain Levi! Just in time!", she heard Connie screaming and Mikasa realized whose hand it was.

_As you would expect from an Ackerman._

Floating alongside the captain's firm grip, everything around her was a greenish blur, a confusion of clicks, steam, and metal. Apparently, another scouting party saw Armin's signal and rode out to meet them. Mikasa heard voices and victorious laughter. At least her friends were okay.

Levi landed on the first thick, stable branch he found and placed Mikasa by the trunk. The girl felt that her body was dead weight and her lungs, once filled with pure air, were now squeezed like two sad balloons. Levi held her by the shoulders and shook her slightly.

"Oi. Ackerman. What were you thinking back then?", the captain demanded to know but got no answer. Levi's face was a vague shadow, getting lost in the dark. "Oi! Ackerman!"

Mikasa parted her lips to answer, but only spat bubbling blood over the captain's uniform.

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the moment when I reveal to you all that English is not my first language EHEHEH so I apologize if the wording is weird sometimes. I didn't say it in the introduction because I didn't want to bias your reading but now you know 8D.
> 
> Thank you in advance for your reviews :)!


	2. What Eren left behind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mikasa receives an unexpected visit and learns a secret Eren had left behind in Paradis.

Mikasa woke up and found herself lying on a soft bed. But she was too tired to open her eyes. A red and black swirl danced on the back of her eyelids. What did happen? She could not remember many things. Although she remembered Levi. _Levi._ The captain appeared like a miracle to pull her out from the jaws of a Titan, and now she lay there, confused and badly injured. Mikasa tried to move in bed, but a stabbing pain in her side stopped her. The Titan had squeezed her like a rag doll, and she felt every bone of her ribs cracking. She sighed. It didn't used to be that way. She used to be the one saving others. She was never saved. 

Except for Levi.

Always Levi.

This was his second time. Last time was when they faced the female Titan. His arm around her waist, just like now. Flying through the forest, just like now. Though at that time she could only think about Eren. _Eren_. Her chest ached, but she didn’t know if it was because of her memories or her injuries. Maybe both.

Mikasa heard people talking around her and opened her eyes slowly. And then, she came across two big blue eyes looking back at her.

“H-Historia?” Mikasa whispered. A petite girl with blonde hair was sitting in front of her bed, dressing in a simple but formal dress. Behind her stood two escorts of the royal guard. Mikasa was surprised by their presence, but then she remembered why they were there. For a moment, she forgot that Historia was not just the little girl from her Squadron but also the Queen within the walls herself. "I mean, your highness…" she corrected herself.

Mikasa didn’t understand why she deserved the queen’s presence while she was recovering, but Historia smiled sweetly and, with a gesture, told her not to move. Mikasa didn’t listen and sat up in bed.

"Why... why are you here?” she asked.

“I was summoned to an urgent meeting at the capitol,” Historia explained. “The higher-ups are very worried about the last sighting of Titans. We don’t know how many more may be hiding underground. The army wants to evacuate the nearby villages, but the villagers are reluctant to leave their new settlements.” Mikasa looked down.

“I see.”

Historia continued: “I was told that you were badly injured in the battle and I came to see you”. Historia sighed. “I never thought a Titan could get you,” Mikasa pursed her lips, wishing they did not expect so much from her all the time. “Luckily, there was another squad patrolling nearby and they were able to get there in time. I had just arrived into the city when you came back. Levi didn’t stop complaining about how you spoiled his uniform with blood,” she added with a nostalgic smile. “I guess some things don’t change.”

Mikasa was grateful for Historia’s visit, but she didn’t want to lie around while the rest of her colleagues scouted the island for titans. She attempted to get up from bed, but Historia tried to stop her and stood up. And suddenly, she slipped, hitting herself with the bed.

The guards rushed to hold the Queen

“Your highness! Are you all right?” she smiled at them, calmly.

“I’m okay, I just bumped my hip” she said, placing her hand on her belly.

Mikasa blinked repeatedly without believing her eyes.

She thought saw a small bulge in Historia’s belly when the girl put her hands in her stomach.

Her dress was quite baggy.

She couldn’t be sure.

Her eyes might be deceiving her.

But…

_It couldn’t be…_

“Historia… I mean, your highness”, she corrected herself again. Mikasa hesitated for a few moments before continuing: “Are you… are you pregnant…?”

The blonde girl blushed slightly and touched her belly unconsciously.

“There’s no need for protocol if it’s just the two of us. You can call me Historia”, she muttered, while lowering her gaze.

Mikasa didn’t know much about these things. She hadn’t met many pregnant women in her life, and she didn’t have a very developed sixth sense either. But evidently, Historia was hiding something under that dress.

“And yes, I’m four months pregnant”, she said with pink-tinted cheeks.

Mikasa felt her throat dry. _Four months_. That was a long time. She couldn’t remember the last time they visited Historia at the orphanage. A couple of months ago or something. She wasn’t very sure. She lost track of time since Eren left.

 _Eren_.

Her throat tightened further.

The world continued moving around her, but all she could think of was Eren. Historia even met someone, and they were going to have a child. Mikasa smiled slightly.

“Well, congratulations”, she whispered. Historia smiled back. And something made Mikasa feel that it was a smile of relief.

“Thank you”

Mikasa wanted to ask her who the father was, but an unknown force stopped her, and she bit her tongue. Maybe she did have a sixth sense after all.

“Your highness”, said one of the royal guards. “We must go”, he added.

Historia nodded and gave a Mikasa a long look as if she were thinking of saying something else. Finally, she said:

“Goodbye, Mikasa. I hope to see you soon”.

Mikasa smiled at her and waved faintly.

She didn’t realize when she fell asleep.

* * *

She dreamed of Eren. It was nice dreaming about him. It left a warm feeling in her chest, even if she woke up to his absence. But. This time she couldn’t say it was a good dream at all.

Mikasa was in a dark, wooden room. There was something rural in the air. It could be the smell of eucalyptus. Or the smell of animals. It reminded her of the estate at Historia’s farm. _Historia_. Suddenly, the girl appeared before her eyes. Historia lay on a nearby bed with a shadow above her. Mikasa gasped. She knew that shadow. She would recognize it anywhere. _It was Eren_. Eren held History tightly and kissed her, and she responded with equal desire. Mikasa couldn’t see clearly in the darkness, but she didn’t need to see anything else. She backed away, but there was no exit from that room in her head. They were two shadows knotting together in the darkness. Mikasa closed her eyes, but she could hear their breathing echoing in her skull. Louder and louder. Her chest ached. Historia moaned. And Eren roared. She wanted to wake up…

“Good morning!” suddenly greeted Sasha in a singing voice, showing Mikasa a basket in her hands. “They told me you were finally awake, and I brought some fruit,” she announced, proud of herself. She noticed Mikasa, who was breathing heavily. “Do you have a fever?” Sasha placed her hand on the girl’s forehead. “You’re burning!”

Mikasa was still thinking about what she had seen. Rather, what her head wanted to see. That didn’t happen. Of course, it didn’t. She was delusional. _But._ It looked so real.

"I’m fine,” she assured, trying to adjust her breathing. “It was just… a dream…” Sasha frowned, not convinced, but changed the topic.

“Do you want an orange? I’ll peel it for you.”

“Thank you,” Mikasa whispered.

“How are you feeling?” the other asked, examining her curiously, as she peeled the fruit. “You’ve been sleeping for two days now. I just bumped into Historia and she said you were awake and…”

A bitter liquid rose in Mikasa's throat when she heard the other girl’s name. Sasha continued.

“... I thought I’d bring you some fruit to cheer you up,” she added, handling half of the orange to Mikasa. She thanked her friend and ate in silence. “At least you have color in your face again. It’s true what they say about the Ackermans. They recover fast”.

“Sasha…” Mikasa interrupted the other girl, still thinking about her dream. “Did you see anything different in Historia?” Sasha blinked, confused.

“What do you mean?”

“If you noticed something different, something new in Historia…”

“Yes, now that you mention it… she seemed much more serious and imposing”, Sasha replied, holding her chin in a thoughtful gesture. “Do you think the royal life changed her? I doubt it. She’s not in any court, she practically lives in seclusion in that orphanage. She looks more like a nun to me…"

“I didn’t mean that”, Mikasa interrupted her again. Sasha tilted her head.

“What do you mean, then?” Mikasa sighed. _Sasha didn’t know_. And for some reason, she thought it was better not to tell her.

“Nothing, don’t worry”. Sasha was still skeptical, but dismissed the topic and began to peel another orange.

“Anyway, it’s good to see her again. It’s been four months since we last saw each other, when we all went to the orphanage and helped her with the chores in the countryside…

 _Four months_. Mikasa gasped and grabbed Sasha’s wrist. The orange fell to the floor.

“What did you say?” Sasha stepped back.

“Mikasa, what…”

“When was the last time we saw Historia?” she demanded to know.

“Four… four months ago…”

“And when did Eren leave?”

“What does that have to do with…?”

“When did Eren leave!” she insisted.

“Shortly after, I would say…”

Mikasa stared somewhere on the horizon as if she had just realized something. Sasha picked up the orange from the floor and continued peeling it.

“Are you all right?”, she asked. Mikasa looked sideways at Sasha, who was eating the orange she picked from the floor a few moments ago.

“That’s dirty”, she commented. Sasha shrugged.

“I’ve eaten worse things in the past”, she said with a smile. Mikasa changed the topic, in an attempt to forget the picture repeating itself at the back of her mind.

“Where is everyone?”, she wanted to know.

“Jean and Armin were made squad captains and are patrolling the woods looking for more titans”, she said with half an orange in her mouth. “Tomorrow Connie and I will leave with another detachment. The villagers don’t want to evacuate, so the complete Survey Corps is sweeping the island in search of titans”, she sighed. “At least the new ones are having some practice, but I don't miss working at this pace, to tell you the truth”.

“I want to go too”, Mikasa said firmly. She pushed her sheets backs and tried to stand up, but her ribs hurt awfully.

“You need to get some rest, Mikasa,” she said, trying to get her back into her bed. “You have a chest injury. You can’t ride like that”. Mikasa clenched her teeth. She didn’t like to feel weak. “In some weeks you’ll be ready to ride again, you’ll see”.

Mikasa didn’t want to be alone and locked up in her room in the headquarters. Her thoughts would eat her alive. She had to keep her mind busy, so she wouldn’t think about Eren again. So she wouldn’t think about Historia again.

_Historia and Eren._

But in fact, she couldn’t think about anything else. Every night, she tossed and turned in her bed trying to fall asleep. For she was too afraid of sleeping. She didn’t want her head playing tricks on her anymore. It was probably all her imagination and she was dwelling on a lie. She had always been like this. People used to think great things about her just because she was an Ackerman. They thought she was bold and fearless and had everything sorted out. But the truth is that she was always afraid. Afraid of losing everything. And in her head, those scenarios kept repeating.

_Eren._

She stretched her hand in the air as if the boy was in front of her and she could reach him, but she only saw her tattooed wrist illuminated by the moon. Eren was getting farther away every day. Why did he leave? Why did he never say anything to Mikasa? Why couldn’t he trust her? Was she really that unreliable?

After a couple of days, Mikasa could get off the bed and went for a walk around the headquarters. She walked slowly, but at least she could get out of those four walls and distract herself with the birds and the sound of the trees. The headquarters were empty. She rarely met anyone, and when she did, they didn’t stay for long nor talked much. The last sighting of Titans turned the entire command line of the Survey Corps upside down and there was more work than ever. Mikasa just wanted to join her comrades. But Sasha was right. She couldn’t ride in those conditions. She looked at herself in the mirror. Her chest was still full of purplish bruises, especially on her sides. All she could do was rest. 

One of those days, she visited the library again. The room was dark and empty, as the rest of the headquarters were. Mikasa turned on the light and the room lit up. The same shelves with the same books. The same empty feeling. She opened one of her books as she sat down at a table, but she couldn’t really concentrate. She couldn’t stop listening to Historia and Eren in the back of her head. She read the first sentence three times, in an effort to retain the information: “ _Hizuru is a nation located in the east of the world, in the region of Asia. It was once one of the most powerful nations on earth as an ally of the Eldia Empire. But after the defeat of the latter in the great Titan War, Hizuru fell from grace. Most of its land is not arable, depending on the exchange of goods with other countries. Their past as an ally of the Eldians closed many doors to them and, for many years, they suffered from constant famines_ …”

“Oi. Ackerman. At last I find you. Next time you spoil my uniform, you’ll have to wash it yourself.” Levi’s voice interrupted her monotonous reading and Mikasa startled. She looked up and the Captain was in front of her, with his arms folded across his chest. Once again, she had not heard him coming. “Did you hear me?”, he insisted when he got no answer from the young woman.

Mikasa lowered her eyes, not knowing what to say.

It was the first time she saw him since their last battle and she had not yet thanked him for saving her from a certain death.

“Thank you… Captain,” she said. Levi raised an eyebrow.

“What is it with you? I just threatened you and you are here, thanking me…”

“I wasn’t talking about that…”

“Well, _I_ was.”

“Thank you… for saving me last time,” she clarified. Levi looked away and sighed.

After a few moments, he sat down across from the girl.

“I don’t know if I’ll be there next time”, he said, still looking away. “If you want to see Eren again, you have to stay alive”. Mikasa felt something stir in her chest when she heard the boy’s name.

_Eren._

_Historia and Eren_.

A sudden, but familiar pain flashed through her skull like a lightning. She grabbed her head with both hands. _Not again…_

“Mikasa?” he asked suddenly. She looked into his eyes. His eyes were looking back at her. And his gaze was like a blizzard. Two arrows always pointing dangerously at their target. “Did you hear me?”, he insisted.

As soon as it appeared, as soon the pain faded. Mikasa gulped and nodded, hoping the captain hadn't noticed her sudden headache.

“Yes… Yes, sir…” she mumbled under her breath.

“And next time, I’ll make sure you wash my shirts.” He got up from his chair and walked towards the door.

Suddenly, an idea crossed Mikasa’s mind.

“Captain”, she called out and stood up. Levi looked over his shoulder, one hand on the door. “I want to ask you something”.

He raised an eyebrow.

“And what would that be?”

Mikasa pursed her lips, hesitant. She needed answers. Or at least, talking to someone. Someone who wasn’t going to lie to her. She never saw anyone at the headquarters anymore. And probably her friends would hide the truth from her if they knew. They didn’t want her to suffer. But. She needed to know if it wasn’t all a bad joke of her head. And Mikasa knew the Captain was the only person who wouldn’t lie to her. Because he didn’t care. He would spit the whole truth in her face. The raw, honest, and unpolished truth. And she wanted to know. She _had_ to know.

“Captain,” she began. And paused for a few moments to give herself courage. “Did you… did you know that Historia… is pregnant?”

Her question floated in the air and it sounded so ridiculous out of her head that she instantly regretted it. She didn’t want the Captain to laugh at her. It was none of her business. But Levi didn’t move an inch.

“Yes,” he said dryly.

Mikasa felt her lungs shrinking.

“And… do you know who the father is?” she continued. Another silly question in the air. Her knees trembled slightly.

Levi stood facing her. His expression was a mystery.

“Yes,” he repeated.

Mikasa felt no organ functioning inside of her body. She sat back in her chair; her legs unable to support her.

“Do I want to know?”.

Levi clicked his tongue

“Tch. You tell me, do _you_ want to know?”.

Mikasa felt an imaginary hand squeezing her throat.

“Isn’t it a secret?”

Levi shrugged.

“No one told me it was a royal secret or something, and honestly, I wouldn’t care if it was,” he said dismissively. “I’m not paid to keep secrets from other people”.

Mikasa debated in her innermost whether or not to ask her next question. Levi waited, patiently.

“Is… is it Eren…?”, she managed to articulate.

A never-ending silence.

“... Yes.” he finally said. 

The imaginary hand pressed on Mikasa’s throat so hard she thought she was choking. She felt herself sinking into a deep, cold sea. Other hands were pulling her in.

And everything was dark.

She didn’t want to believe it. She wanted to think it was all a trick of her mind. A protective, jealous mind that wanted Eren all to herself. But she never stopped to think about what Eren really wanted. And apparently, he wanted very different things. She had always thought they were on the same page, that they longed for the same things. But. Eren had made his own path. And Mikasa was not on it.

A lone tear crossed her cheek, but she quickly hid it from the Captain’s gaze.

“How…?” she asked quietly, more to herself than to Levi. He managed to hear her, but her question was left halfway.

“What do you mean?” He urged her. Mikasa’s throat felt as dry as a desert.

“How did Eren and Historia…?” Another halfway question. Levi arched his eyebrows.

“Are you asking me how babies are made? Damn, Ackerman. I thought you were smarter than that”

“I didn’t mean that”, she mumbled.

The air around her felt heavier, sinking her into her chair and her books. She would have thrown out everything in that room: book, shelves, table, chairs, Levi included. She also wanted to cry, long and bitterly. But she did neither. She just sat there silently staring at a fixed point. Her heart beating at irregular intervals.

Suddenly, she heard a chair sliding and the captain sitting across from her again.

“As you may know, Historia is the last descendant of the Reiss royal family,” he began to explain. “Eren wanted to keep Historia from becoming a baby-making machine, as the higher-ups decided… although…” he rolled his eyes. “Eren was the first to make her a baby, ironically enough.” Mikasa gritted her teeth. “Apparently, women can’t inherit a Titan when they’re pregnant,” the captain continued. “and Eren planned to prevent Historia from inheriting Zeke’s Beast Titan…”. He rested his cheek on his hand and looked out the window. “But it all sounds like an excuse to me”.

“Captain…”. Mikasa muttered, but Levi didn’t hear her.

“He gets the Queen pregnant and then disappears into enemy territory…”

“Levi…”

“He has a lot to explain when he gets back, that bastard. I didn’t work my ass off all these years keeping him alive so he can make himself a martyr on a suicide mission.”

“Levi!”, Mikasa fought back the tears. She didn’t want to cry. Not in front of the captain. But each of his words made it harder. “I don’t… I don’t want to hear anymore…”

Mikasa put away her books with trembling hands and tried to leave the room. But as she walked by Levi’s side, he stopped her, grabbing her wrist. A firm grip. Mikasa was startled at the sudden contact. His hands were cold and calloused, and she could see his veins bulging under her skin. He was holding her against her will, but Mikasa didn’t have the strength to push him away and waited for him to say something. He looked as if he was searching for the right words. But then he let her go and turned away.

He waved at her in dismissal “You may leave”, he said.

But she didn't leave his mind.

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Historia having Eren's baby is my headcanon lol.)  
> I know this is taking some time to get somewhere, but please be patient! The RivaMika moments are coming soon!
> 
> Thank you a lot for your reviews and your kudos 💞💞💞 and once again, if I made some mistake with my Engrish please tell me!


	3. Letters from across the sea

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren's letters from Marley interrupt a moment alone of Levi and Mikasa.

Mikasa sparred alone at the barracks' basement. It was a poor-ventilated room made of bricks and earthen floor where she could only hear the sound of her erratic panting. She was punching a sandbag hanging from the ceiling, training her body, trying to recover the muscle mass she lost after those weeks in bed. She was not fully recovered yet. She could feel a stabbing pain in her ribs from time to time. But she did not want to spend another day in bed. She had never stayed in bed for so long. There was always something to do at her house, or at the Jeager's. And joining the Survey Corps didn't bring any fewer duties. She was never like this.

But… how was she then?

She halted for a moment and wiped off her sweating with her forearm. The sandbag swayed in silence as Mikasa took a break. People would not say she was as hot-headed as Eren was, nor as analytic as Armin. She was not as trustworthy and reliable as Sasha, nor as self-confident as Connie or Jean. What was she then? They could say she was loyal. Loyal to Eren.

But he was not loyal to her.

She smacked the sandbag with anger. The anger she didn't know how to express in words. He didn't owe her anything. And that made her even angrier. Because she expected too much but said too little. They did not speak too much about it. About her feelings. About their feelings. There was not much time for that though, for they had only thought of surviving since they were ten.

Although _that_ was the last thing they spoke about.

_What am I… to you?_

Mikasa felt the shadow of a headache lurking on her skull and squeezed the sandbag in her hands. That was the last thing Eren asked before he left. But what was the point in asking? It's not as if her feelings could stop the rumbling (could they?). But. What were her feelings at all? She _adored_ Eren. More than anything else in the world. But. Was it… love? How could she tell? Her heart had only known grief and agony in the past ten years. Things such as love and desire sounded alien to her ears. 

Mikasa heard some footsteps getting closer, and suddenly, Armin's head leaned out the room's ajar door.

"Mikasa?” he asked, surprised. “What are you doing here?"

Mikasa’s breathing was still uneven, as she replied: "I'm... training." Armin blinked several times, his deep blue eyes still puzzled to find her there.

"But… you are not recovered yet, are you?" Mikasa rolled her eyes.

“I’m… fine.” She clenched her fists and resumed her sparring session. Armin stood there, so Mikasa changed the topic before he could nag her again: "And what are you doing here in the basement?” she asked as she delivered energetic blows. “Did you come to see Annie?"

Armin gave a startle and blushed abruptly. "Well… yes," he mumbled and looked away.

Mikasa stopped her session and held her sandbag. She knew that Armin disappeared from time to time during their free time at the barracks, but she did not know where he went. She had some ideas. And she wasn’t wrong.

She stared at him for a moment, before asking: "Is it because of Berthold?"

Armin gave a mirthless smile. "Why does everyone think the same?" he asked, more to himself than to Mikasa.

"Well… Berthold always had a thing for Annie and…"

"Me too" Armin interrupted her and stared Mikasa back, severely, intensely.

Now it was her time to be surprised. She parted her lips, but she couldn’t say anything.

"W-what?" she managed to mumble. 

"I also… had a thing for Annie…” he recognized, lowering his eyes. “I used to come here way before I… before I…” Armin hesitated for a moment and pursed his lips. Maybe it was still difficult to talk about it. “Before I ate Berthold." 

Mikasa never knew anything about this. Armin never told her anything about this. Neither Eren did. She felt a sudden lump forming in her throat. Was she really... _that_ unreliable? 

Armin looked at her again, with renewed confidence. “Not everything I am is because I am a Titan-Shifter” he remarked. “I can make my own choices too."

 _So did Eren…_ , said a voice in her head. She buried her fingers in the sandbag and leaned her head against it. She could not stop thinking about Eren.

"Armin…” she whispered, but stopped halfway, unsure of what to say. “Did you know…?"

"That Historia is pregnant with Eren's child?” Armin interrupted her again. Mikasa raised her head at his sudden words. He was always so fast to pick things up. “Yes, I did. That was his own choice as well…”

 _So he knew…_ Mikasa wanted to be mad at him. But. She couldn’t.

"Why didn't you tell me?" she managed to say, and Armin half-smiled again.

"Because I didn't want to see you like this." He said, folding his arms. Mikasa blinked, repeatedly. 

"How am I?"

"Sad."

She held back a joyless smile. "Well... I suppose I am."

Armin smiled back at her and said. “Why don’t you call it a day and come with me to see Annie?”

Mikasa frowned: “Why would I want to see that…” but she bit her tongue as soon as she remembered her friend’s feelings.

“That what…?” he asked, with genuine curiosity. Mikasa rolled her eyes. Armin was so clever to pick up things, but he could also be very naïve in other matters.

She shook her head.

“Nothing. I’ll come with you.”

* * *

A couple of days later, a doctor visited her room to check her chest injury. It had been a month already since her last mission and Mikasa felt almost no pain anymore. 

“You are perfectly fine, Ms. Ackerman” the doctor said. “In fact, I’m surprised by your recovery. You have almost no sequelae.”

“Thank you, doctor” said Mikasa cheerfully. She put on her brown jacket and took a long, deep breath. She felt full of life. It was nice to be alive, after all.

_After all._

She felt as if she could run kilometers, get on a horse, ride the island from coast to coast, and fight one hundred Titans. As if she could swim across the sea between Paradis from Marley and bring Eren back with them herself.

 _Eren_.

Her chest ached but it was definitely not her injury anymore. She wanted to see him. She wanted to see him so badly that she was almost considering the plan of swimming. And suddenly, she remembered the higher-ups were planning a mission to get him back.

As soon as the doctor left her room, she ran to Hanji’s office with a fixed idea in mind. If she could find the Commander and tell her she was fine already. If she could beg her to please enroll Mikasa into the mission to retrieve Eren. If she promised the Commander that she will bring Eren back by any means necessary…

And then, as she turned down a hallway, she bumped into a shadow. She was so self-absorbed by her thoughts, that she lost her balance, but a hand grabbed her forearm and held her up, preventing her from falling. A warm hand. She knew that hand. 

“Watch where you walk, kid” said Levi’s voice, and he helped her to get back into her feet. 

“I’m… I’m sorry” she mumbled, still puzzled by the sudden encounter. She caught a glimpse of his eyes before he loosened his grip and walked away. Everything was too fast. But Mikasa could still feel his touch. Then, she remembered the last time they saw each other. He did the same. And she pushed him away. 

“Captain” she called him out before he could go. Levi halted and looked at her over his shoulder. His face was inscrutable, as always. “I… I wanted to apologize for the other day” she said. He tilted his head.

"For what?" he asked in a weary voice. Mikasa scratched her neck. _He already forgot…_

"Because I stormed out of the library and… well… yeah, nevermind. Next time I will wash your shirts" she said, and turned on her heels, ready to go before he could nag her about how she was wasting his time. 

_But._

"Mikasa…” he called her out this time. And she turned around. He was facing forward and stared at her for a long moment that seemed like forever. And his gaze made her feel uncomfortable. Mikasa remembered she cried (almost cried) in front of him and blushed in embarrassment. She hoped he wouldn’t ask her anything about their last talk. “How are you feeling?" he asked, and she gave a startle.

"About what…?"

"About your injury of course.” He frowned at her. “Or did you forget you were nearly eaten by a Titan?"

"No… I didn't" she replied awkwardly. "I feel better now." Then, she remembered what Sasha said the other day and added, almost casually: "Must be the Ackermans genetic…" He raised an eyebrow.

"Not everything you are is because you are an Ackerman," he stated in a dark voice that made Mikasa feel ridiculous. Armin said something very similar a couple of days ago. Not everything was explained because he was a Titan now, not everything was explained by her Ackerman genes, not everything was explained because they were Eldians. Wasn't that also what they wanted to show the world?

“I… I didn’t mean…”

“Are you still in that research of yours… to find your roots or something like that?” he interrupted her, and there was something like derision in his voice. 

Mikasa lowered her eyes, feeling small. There they went again. For some reason, they always ended up talking about the same thing; about what she was, about what they ( _they?)_ were. She clenched her fist. And why did she even have to justify herself to him anyway?

"And what if… I want to know who I am?" she asked in an almost inaudible voice. 

But he heard.

"What are you?” he repeated as he arched his eyebrows. “Just the best soldier the Survey Corps has ever had after me" Mikasa raised her gaze. He had a mysterious spark in his eyes. Then he added: "Is that too little for you?" She blushed.

“No, I guess no…” she replied.

He sighed and tilted his head as if he was discussing something with himself. Then, he moved closer and grabbed her wrist.

Again.

And this time, the touch sent a shiver down her spine. 

“Come with me” he said. 

Levi was shorter than Mikasa, but his strength did not match his height. A strong, muscular arm pulled her through the hallway with resolve, and Mikasa was dragged along, like a leaf in a storm. Her feet followed him almost by inertia, and only after a few moments, she wondered where they were going. 

But she didn’t have to ask, for they were in Levi’s office a couple of minutes later. 

The door closed behind them, and Mikasa stood in the entrance as Levi rummaged through the pile of documents and folders on his desk. Then, he seemed to find something and showed it to Mikasa.

"That bearded-shit called Zeke lent me these documents about the Ackermans” he said, as he leafed through the pages. “Not that it’s interesting for me, but I thought it might be relevant for your… research," he added.

Mikasa only blinked, confused. "But... I thought you told me that being an Ackerman didn't matter at all."

He sighed and tapped himself on the shoulder with the documents.

"That's what I think. Now, what do _you_ think" he said and stared at her with his piercing, grey eyes. Mikasa felt her throat tighten. That was not a question. It was a call to take a stand.

She averted her eyes. Normally, she wouldn’t feel intimidated or insecure about anything, but there was something about Levi that made her nervous. As if he could see through her entirely. As if he knew what she was thinking better than Mikasa herself did.

"I don't know... anymore…” she mumbled, looking at her feet. 

"Well, yeah. First time you can think of something on your own."

Mikasa felt as if the Captain had punched in her stomach, and maybe that would have hurt less. She looked back at him in disbelief, but he was looking outside the window.

A lot of people thought that she was only an empty vessel without Eren, that she couldn’t make decisions at all without him. She knew it. And she didn't care. But. It hurt somehow when Levi said it. Maybe it was because he was the first one to say it to her face.

Mikasa opened her mouth several times to answer back, but she couldn’t put the right words together.

"What… is that supposed to mean…?" she managed to say.

He looked back at her, but she could not read his expression.

"That is good that you are thinking about yourself, for a change," he said.

She struggled to find the words again. "I've… thought about myself before."

"When, for example." Yet another question that didn't sound like a question at all. His tone demanded an answer, as if he were testing her, as if he were pushing her over the cliff.

And Mikasa found it hard not to fall.

"I… I…" She clenched her teeth rather annoyed and took the documents out of Levi's hands with a quick movement. “I take this. Thank you very much”, she muttered, and planned to leave. But he quickly grabbed her by the forearm to prevent her from leaving.

And the electricity of his touch vibrated in her rib cage.

“Wait," he said. There was no appeal in his voice. It was more like a command than a request.

And Mikasa was angry, but she waited.

He said nothing right away, as if he was pondering the proper words.

A restless silence hovered over them, and Mikasa felt his hand burning her skin.

"You sure do that a lot… " she commented to break the tense silence.

He looked at her and raised an eyebrow.

“What thing?”

“This thing," she pointed at their hands. He looked down at his hand wrapped around her wrist, as if he had just realized what he had done and furrowed his brow.

"Yes, because if I don’t, you run away,” he explained as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. She bit the inside of her cheek, waiting for the captain to say why he held her back. But his eyes suddenly sparked. “What? You don't like being touched?" he asked, and it was as if he’d thrown a grenade at Mikasa.

Her throat went dry. And suddenly, Levi's office felt too small, as if the two of them were too close for their own good, and the air felt too heavy, and his eyes were dark, darker than ever.

Only then Mikasa realized that she was not breathing.

"I… didn't say that," she mumbled and blushed automatically, realizing the weight of her words.

He narrowed his eyes.

"What is it then?"

He asked no questions. He wanted Mikasa to take a stand.

“I... I don’t know… I…," she muttered. He was shorter than she was, but his dominance did not match his height.

Tiptoeing over the cliff.

It was hard not to fall.

“CAPTAIN!!!”

Suddenly, the door’s office burst open, and the two of them jumped apart. It was Jean. He was panting and sweating. And he held a letter in his hand. He took a moment to catch his breath and just then he noticed that Levi and Mikasa were in the same room.

_Alone._

“Wait, w—”

“Leave the questions for later," said Levi. “What is it.” Jean frowned, but continued:

“Captain. We received a letter from Eren," he said, still breathing unevenly. “He wrote from Marley."

Mikasa’s stomach sank, and the papers Levi gave her minutes ago fell on the floor.

At that moment, she remembered what she was doing before she ran into the Captain. She was going to ask to be enrolled in the mission to get Eren back.

_Eren._

She might see him again.

Levi clicked his tongue at her side.

“Jean… is that… is that true?” she asked. She could not believe her ears and took the letter from Jean's hands. Mikasa was too nervous to understand what she was reading. But it was his handwriting. It was definitely him. She could have cried of joy. She clutched the letter as if she could feel the warmth of Eren's hand. Again, the smell of firewood and pine of a distant life floated around her. “ _Eren_ …” she whispered with devotion.

She looked back at Levi, and his eyes were dark.

And furious.

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry if this chapter is shorterrrr but I wanted to leave this cliffhanger eheh. 
> 
> Thanks for reading and for your nice feedback ❤️


	4. The little things

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Preparations begin for the raid on Liberio and Mikasa's head is in chaos.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter took way longer than expected lol and it's all my fault OTL. I've been struggling with this chapter so much, I guess I got lost at some point -well, it's not as if I had a super developed plot in mind, I just had fun while writing ahah-
> 
> BUT thanks to the wonderful work of Meg @FanofmanyFandoms this is finally going somewhere :'). She beta-read this chapter and she was so dedicated and had so many good ideas that I can't thank her enough for turning this former stream of consciousness in something worth reading :D. So much of the credit goes to her 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
> 
> I'll be changing some stuff from former chapters (not major changes, since it's already published lol) and I'll be adding names to the chapters. (I'm super bad with names in general that's why I didn't do it before.)
> 
> And I think that's all what I wanted to say lol. Here's a 5k-words-long chapter to make up for the very short last chapter and for the time this took me ahah.

* * *

"So this asshole thinks he’s running the show now, huh,” Levi said as he slapped the letter back down on the desk. His voice was a mixture of defeat and frustration. 

The oldest members of the Survey Corps, namely, Hanji and Levi Squad, reunited in an improvised meeting at Levi’s office to discuss Eren’s actions. They clearly had to report the letter to the higher-ups, but as they were Eren's friends and colleagues, they wanted to speak about it first. Everyone was standing in a circle formation around the piece of paper on Levi's desk, and they looked at it with a mix of concern and anger, as if the letter was Eren himself. 

"He said he will carry out his plan whether we help him or not." Jean repeated what stood in the letter as if he was still processing what he had just read.

"Tch, wish we could leave the idiot to fend for himself in Marley," Levi muttered. “See how well his plan works without us.” He said it more to himself than to the group, but Mikasa heard it and frowned at him.

"We can't do that," Hanji said in an oddly calm voice given the circumstances. She flopped down on the chair and massaged her temples with her fingers. "We'd lose the Coordinate and any chance of reclaiming the Beast Titan, along with our trump card of the Rumbling."

"I know that. It was just wishful thinking," Levi replied with a long sigh.

"We still have some time before Eren puts his plan in motion," Connie pointed out.

"We should go and get him back," Mikasa declared firmly. The others looked at her with a mixture of disbelief and pity, but didn’t respond. The room was quiet. 

Levi broke the silence. "We are far too past the moment we could have convinced Eren of changing his plan or coming home," he said as he looked outside the window. The sun had just set and the sky was bright orange with blue shadows lurking at the edge of the horizon. "He's going to do this thing on his terms and on his terms only." 

Everyone nodded along in apparent agreement. Everyone except Mikasa. She couldn’t accept this. They couldn’t abandon Eren, she wouldn’t let them. 

"We could develop new technology with the Marleyans' help,'' Armin suggested. There was a group of Marleyan Exploration soldiers captured by Paradis a few months back who could teach them so much about the outside world. They didn't get along very well at first, but little by little tensions fell and they began to share their knowledge and technology with those of Paradis. It's not as if Marleyans and Eldians were best friends now, but at least they were able to build a tolerable relationship with those on the island. 

"The Marleyan army already knows how to fight our vertical maneuvering equipment," Armin said, “We need to create something they don’t expect or can’t counter immediately.”

"Yes, I'll be the one in charge of that," Hanji said. Her only fearless eye quickly looked over every face in the group. “I want you all to train the new members of the Survey Corps. They know how to move and how to fight Titans, but they are not ready to fight Marleyan’s soldiers, much less their Titan-Shifters. If we are going to do this we should start training now." She clenched her teeth. "We can't fail." 

The group dismissed and slowly abandoned Levi's office. Everyone had a lot to think about, process, and meditate on in the darkness of their rooms. Mikasa walked towards the door slightly slower than the rest. She bit her thumb nervously and stopped at the door as the last of the group filed out. Once they were gone, she turned on her heels and closed the door of Levi's office, leaving her alone with the captain. 

Levi raised his eyes, but didn’t seem surprised to see her there. The sun was completely gone now and the room was full of shadows. He wordlessly stood up and lit a candle and placed it inside a wall lamp. He ignored her presence until the office was lit, then he stood in front of his desk and leaned back against it. 

"What is it?" he asked coldly, and folded his arms.

"Captain…" Mikasa began. Her throat was dry and her hand remained still on the handle of the door. She took a deep breath and walked a few steps forward with a courage she wasn’t feeling. "Please, don't give up on Eren…" Her tone was more desperate than she would have liked, but that was how she felt. 

Levi glanced at her for a long moment, and Mikasa felt like a transparent crystal. Finally, he sighed and lowered his gaze. 

"What I think about Eren doesn't matter at all," he said. "We are going to carry out this mission whether I want to or not."

"It matters to me…" said Mikasa in a quiet but firm voice. Levi cocked his head at her.

"Why _should_ it matter to you?" He asked. 

Mikasa only felt smaller and smaller under his piercing gaze. She didn't know how to answer. She didn't know why she didn't want Levi to hate Eren. She just…didn't. When she didn’t respond Levi turned and huffed lightly. 

"Well, don't worry, in five months you are going to see your boyfriend again," he said bluntly. 

Acid crept up Mikasa’s throat. She pressed her lips together and took two steps forward as a blush flooded her whole face. "He's not my boyfriend."

Levi turned and raised an eyebrow. "What is he then?"

It was phrased as a question, but Mikasa knew it was an order. Her feelings could not jeopardize the mission, and her captain was asking whether or not she was going to let her bond with the titan-shifter define her actions going forward.

Mikasa's throat tightened as she remembered the last thing Eren said to her. 

_"What am I to you?”_

Those words were always at the back of her mind, but thinking about it numbed her... and gave her those heavy headaches. 

She didn't know the answer then, and she didn't know the answer now. Maybe she would never know it. 

Mikasa and Eren had strong feelings for each other. They always had. She couldn't deny it. It was a bond that transcended any and everything she had ever experienced before. Something she could not explain, but only she understood. 

And she thought Eren understood it too. 

They’d always been close since childhood. She recalled the long nights spent talking together where they would fall asleep snuggled against each other’s shoulders. The hugs, hand holding, the beautiful peace of childhood innocence. 

Then one day it stopped.

One day, he didn't look for her anymore, and she didn't look for him either. They talked less and those brief touches happened less and less until they disappeared completely. Mikasa always thought it was growing up.

Maybe it meant something else to Eren. 

She clenched her fist as she tried to articulate the only answer she could ever give. Because there wasn't another truth. 

"He's… my family…" she managed to say. Levi only rolled his eyes unexpectedly. 

"Ah yes, _like a brother_ ," he emphasized in a strange tone. "I think you might want to bang your brother then."

Mikasa's hand moved faster than her mind as she tried to slap him, but Levi's hand was even faster. He stopped her arm midair. Rage rose up through her body and her eyes radiated pure fury. She tried to punch him with her free hand, but he blocked that blow as well. 

Mikasa stood there with both arms raised as her nails dug into her palms. Levi didn’t let go of her wrists and wouldn’t let her move either. She was strong, but not stronger than Levi. 

“You hit me and I’ll have no problem hitting you back," he said calmly. 

Mikasa stared at him for a moment before wrenching herself back and out of his grasp. He straightened up and smoothed out the front of his uniform. 

“Glad we have an understanding,” he said curtly. 

Mikasa gritted her teeth. She wouldn’t let him have the last word. “All you need to understand,” she growled, “is my relationship with Eren is none of your business.”

“Of course,” Levi agreed. “As soon as it interferes with your ability to follow orders, however, it becomes my business. Don’t forget that.”

His words stung, but she couldn’t disagree. She couldn’t say anything. All she could do was leave the room with what little of her dignity remained.

So much for getting the last word.

* * *

Mikasa couldn't sleep that night. 

She was still furious at Levi for his comment, and also slightly humiliated at how quickly he unarmed her, as if she was nothing. But she felt even more humiliated by his words. Is that how everyone looked at her? How Levi looked at her? So desperate, so hopeless? 

She covered her face with her sheets and closed her eyes tightly, doing her best to force herself to sleep. Nothing worked. She kept thinking about Eren's letter, and the captain who made her question everything she thought she knew about her childhood love. 

Levi was a paradox all on his own. His savage strength, so uncorrelated with his body, his apathetic aspect, and his stabbing eyes that seemed to know it all. Mikasa buried her face in her pillow. 

“ _I think you want to bang your brother.”_

Why did he say that? Was he trying to test her? Was he trying to push her over the cliff? Or was she just thinking too deep into it? She tossed in bed, unable to sleep a wink.

Then she remembered the other thing he said:

_“You don't like being touched?”_

And she didn't denied it.

She turned bright red and quickly sat up in bed. What was she even thinking? He was just testing her, it was clear, and she fell for it. She covered her face with her hands. Everything was going to be so awkward now. 

Feelings. They were such a pain. What was the truth? How did she feel? About Levi. About Eren. About any of it. She leaned back again and looked at her hand. It was dark, but the moonlight snuck through the curtains, giving her just the exact amount of light to see. She _did_ like it when he grabbed her hand. That was the truth. It made her feel safe, and guided. He probably didn’t mean it that way, but that's how she felt. She had been orbiting around someone, around Eren, all these years. She only knew how to be led, not how to take the lead.

Sleep continued to evade her, and she was on her feet as early as 5am next morning. Mikasa put on some baggy clothes and went to the basement to train a little and release some tension. She punched the sandbag with skill and authority, as her panting echoed in the room. It was nice to train by herself because her thoughts dissolved into her sweating, her muscles, and her racing pulse. No thoughts came into her mind as she delivered continuous blows on the sandbag. And she liked it that way. She was thinking too much lately.

It wasn’t until she paused for a break that she felt a second presence in the room. She turned around and saw Levi unexpectedly leaning against the door frame, lurking in the shadows. 

"Someone told me you'd be here," he said. Mikasa clicked her tongue. _That Armin…_ she thought. Levi was exactly the reason why she didn't want to think anymore, and instead of disappearing from her thoughts, he did the exact opposite, materializing in the room.

She gave her sandbag a slow, light hit, as she tried to not look at him. "Do you need something, sir?" she asked curtly.

His bangs fell lazily over his forehead and he had visible dark circles under his eyes. He looked tired. 

"I… wanted to apologize," he said. 

Mikasa stopped what she was doing and looked at him. He folded his arms and looked down at his feet. An apology from her captain was out of character, and it made Mikasa feel suspicious.

"For what?" She asked as she raised an eyebrow. The only thing he could apologize for was his remark from the other evening, but she decided to act oblivious to the fact, as if it didn’t bother her at all and she’d already forgotten it. 

But of course she hadn’t forgotten about it. She couldn't sleep thinking about it.

He cleared his throat, as if the words didn't want to come out. 

"For yesterday… I… shouldn't have said those things to you..."

"No, you shouldn't," Mikasa interrupted. He raised his eyes, but Mikasa couldn't read his expression.

"I crossed a line," he said. His tone didn't sound apologetic, but it didn't sound like a lie either. Mikasa never really knew what he was actually thinking. "It wasn’t very professional of me. It won't happen again," he assured, finishing the conversation as he turned his back to Mikasa, attempting to leave.

But she didn't let him.

"Fight me," she said. Lately she was speaking faster than she was actually thinking, but she didn't want Levi to leave. They still had a score to settle. A simple apology wasn’t good enough.

Levi looked at her over his shoulder and tilted his head. He had a puzzled expression, as if Mikasa had just asked him for a dance. "What?"

"Fight me," she repeated. She clasped her hands, gathering courage. Levi frowned and leaned his head slightly.

"Now?"

Mikasa gave two steps forward. "Now," she insisted. Levi narrowed his eyes. 

"No. "

 _No?_ "Just fight me,” she demanded as she took a quick step towards him. 

Levi didn’t budge. “I’m not going to fight you. Cool off, Ackerman.” 

Mikasa glared at him. She was breathing heavily from her workout and probably looked like a mess, but she didn’t care.

“Why won’t you fight me??” she asked, quite irritated. 

Levi blew out the locks of hair that had fallen over his eyes and ran a hand through his head.

“I’m… not in the mood,” he replied casually. “And besides, cadet training is later today. “

Mikasa blinked at him. _Cadet training?_

“ _It wasn’t very professional of me.”_

Oh, so that’s how he wanted to play. Fine. 

She lowered her arms, feeling a little absurd for even bringing it up. Over the years, she became the only scout who could even offer Levi competition in a fight. It probably had something to do with them both being part of the Ackerman clan. _Humanity's strongest._ The last Ackermans alive. It was a promising name. But… they were wrong…

She couldn't match him… nor touch him… and deep down, she knew that. 

Levi’s voice snapped her back to reality. 

“Besides, it doesn’t look like you slept well. Don’t think you’re even in a condition for a fight.”

Mikasa frowned. He was one to talk. 

“Doesn’t look like you slept well either, _sir.”_ And with that, She resumed her sparring session, without looking back at him.

Instead of leaving the room like she expected, he stared at her for a moment. Mikasa tried to brush away the sudden rush of self-consciousness when she realized the captain was watching her box. She was abruptly aware of her posture, stance, and bare abdomen. After what seemed like an eternity, he turned on his heels, and left. Mikasa gave the sandbag a last, weak punch. Disappointment filled her chest, leaving her wondering. The room felt very empty. At least, if he’d fought her, she wouldn’t be alone. 

_But why him?_ Her heart raced and she started pounding the sandbag again.

* * *

The next few weeks were all about preparing the raid on Marley. The attack was still months away, but the process of notifying the entire chain of command, from Historia Reiss to the last Survey Corps recruit, was very slow and bureaucratic. And they also had to train in urban warfare with the new equipment Hanji was developing. It had been a long time since Levi's Squad had been so busy, and Mikasa was so tired that she barely had time to think, which she was thankful for.

But.

She felt somewhat observed by the other soldiers in the Survey Corps. Not all of them were very happy with Eren's plan. They didn't like that he had pushed the military to confront Marley when they were still in talks with other countries. Mikasa didn't agree with Eren either, actually, but the others didn’t know that. They immediately associated her with Eren and believed that she would go along with everything he wanted to do.

But, were they wrong? And did Levi think the same of her? She realized she hadn't seen the captain for days now, and wondered where he might be. She slapped her cheeks slightly, trying to concentrate as she grabbed food at the common dining room and headed to eat with her friends.

Not everyone disagreed with Eren. There were others who followed him, very closely.

"Ah man, I thought Mikasa loved Eren, but Floch takes it a step further," Connie said as he sat down at the table. "You would make great friends, Mikasa."

Mikasa put her tray on the table with a loud thud before sitting. "No one is in love here," she said, not looking at anyone. She knew her friends didn't talk behind her back like the rest did: they told everything to her face. But she was tired that people always assumed what she thought or how she felt.

Connie continued: "Good, because at this rate he'll steal your man." Mikasa grunted and Armin sensed the danger. 

"Connie, stop it," Armin muttered. 

"Look who’s coming!" Jean announced suddenly. Mikasa saw Levi at the distance and choked on her food. She drank a bit of water trying to go unnoticed. Levi was talking with other soldiers, but heard Jean and walked towards them. "They call us Squad Levi, but we have no Squad Leader," he added. "You are always away."

Levi frowned at the group. "Oi. You are not kids anymore and you are old enough to do stuff on your own. I don't have to be around all the time."

They all grinned at him. Except Mikasa who was trying to concentrate on her plate.

"Where have you been, sir?" asked Sasha, with genuine curiosity.

Levi clicked his tongue. "Dealing with Eren’s shit." 

Mikasa felt everyone's gaze diverte to her direction for a second then looked back at the Captain. Levi sighed and scratched his nape. "I met Azumabito to speak about Eren's great idea," he continued. Mikasa raised her eyes at the mention of the Asian woman. Levi was looking at her, but he quickly averted his gaze. “I have to write a report now, so, if you excuse me”. 

As Levi walked away, Mikasa considered if she should follow him or not. Why didn't he tell her he was going to meet Azumabito? Maybe because she is not important enough to know who the Captain was going to meet, in the first place. But he could have mentioned something to her. Was there a reason why he didn’t? There were many doubts in her head and she didn’t want to dwell on them alone, so she quickly stood up and followed Levi’s way. Mikasa didn't hear her friends calling for her, nor Sasha asking if she was going to eat the food she left.

She intercepted Levi in the middle of a hallway. "Captain,” she called. He stopped, but didn’t look back at her. Mikasa pressed her lips, unsure of how to put her thoughts into words. “Why… why didn't you take me with you?”

He turned slightly, the torches hanging on the walls illuminated him poorly. “Where to, may I ask?” Mikasa blushed a little, hoping that her question hadn’t sounded _that_ intense.

“To your meeting with Azumabito,” she specified, tucking her face inside her scarf. Levi looked at it longer than expected.

"Because, I still don't trust her very much,” he replied dryly, raising his eyes to hers again.

“But--”

“But…” he interrupted her, as he turned completely to face her. “She gave me a present for you.” 

Mikasa’s eyes widened. She didn’t expect a gift. He seemed to notice the surprise in her eyes. 

“Azumabito also expected you to come and brought a present along. I told her I would give it to you,” he explained. Mikasa was speechless. Levi waited for her to say something, but when she didn’t respond he turned away. "It's in my office, I can give it to you now if you want." 

Mikasa nodded slightly. "Yes, thank you."

Levi led the way to his office, and Mikasa followed him silently. 

Mikasa wasn't expecting another present from Lady Azumabito, and she was very curious about it. It was hard trusting in Hizuru, when they knew that their greatest interest was not Mikasa, but the natural resources hidden in the island. But deep inside her, she liked those presents. It was like discovering a world that was only for her and her alone. 

When they walked into the office Levi moved to first light all the candles. Once the room was full of light, Mikasa saw an open book on his desk, and a piece of paper folded at its side in a strange way. Levi noticed that she was looking, and closed the book with a quiet thud before handing it to her.

"What is it?" she asked as she examined the gift. It was a square-shaped book with the word _Origami_ engraved in gold figures on the cover. "What is… Origami?" She wondered aloud as she opened the book. There were many pictures of sculptures made out of folded paper, and step-by-step instructions on how to create the figures. She had never seen any of this before.

"It is a form of art from Hizuru where people make figures out of folded paper,” Levi explained unexpectedly. 

Mikasa noticed the folded paper on his desk again. The captain had evidently given the art a try. 

"Which one did you try to make?" she asked, leafing through the book.

"The paper crane." 

Mikasa found it on the first page. The book said it was one of the most classic forms of origami, but it also seemed to be one of the more difficult shapes, with too many steps and too many creases. She looked at Levi’s attempt. It looked like he only got to step three.

She raised an eyebrow. “Doesn’t look too much like a crane, sir,” she commented.

He rolled his eyes. “Tch. I’m too busy to play with paper ,” Mikasa put the book back on the table, opened at the paper crane page, and impulsively sat down at Levi’s desk. He stood at her back, staring at her as she leaned over the paper and inspected Levi’s unfinished work, wondering how to continue. “I left it there.” He pointed to a picture in the book. 

“Yes, I know, I’m wondering what to do next,” she said, as she put both hands on the paper and tried out potential ways of folding. 

Following the book instructions, she folded one edge of the paper, turned it over and folded the other side. Levi approached slowly, and examined her work.

Her hands began to sweat. 

“You got it wrong here.” He pointed with one of his fingers, and Mikasa was startled when he touched the back of her hand.

_“You don't like it when I touch you?"_

She didn’t know why she recalled that, but thanked to have her back turned to him, so he couldn’t see her face. 

Levi brought the paper closer to him and unfolded what Mikasa had just done. 

“I guess… I’ve never been good with creating things,” she said in a soft voice as she saw him struggling as much as she did following the instructions. “Just destroying them.”

“Me neither. I messed it up here too,” he said as he tried to smooth out a fold that went wrong. Mikasa half-smiled.

"I guess we’ve always been so worried about the war and surviving that we never took time for this,” she said as Levi tried hard to make that piece of paper look like something and not just… paper. But she was grateful that the Captain had taken over the project: her hands were so sweaty, that the soon-to-be-paper-crane would have dissolved in her hands. 

“Time for what?” He asked calmly. 

“For the little things. Who has time to distract themselves and fold paper when we’re fighting a war?”

At that moment, Mikasa recalled her life at her parent's house, before the world turned upside down for her. Those times when all was good and she could breathe well. In the warmth of what was once her home, her mother had taught her a pattern of embroidery. She remembered how much she struggled learning to embroider; her fingers were an inexperienced jumble trying to guide a needle through a piece of fabric. But she managed to finish it, and her mother was so proud of her. 

“ _You have to pass down this tradition to your own children,”_ she had said.

Back in Levi’s office, Mikasa smiled mirthlessly. She didn’t think she could remember how to do any of that anymore. 

Levi’s voice cut off her flashback.

“Tch, I wouldn’t have time for it before the war anyway.” His eyes wandered from the book to his work. “Life in the underground...,” he added vaguely. There was no resentment in his voice though. It was as if he was telling someone else’s life, a life he didn’t live. 

Mikasa felt the same way when she thought about her life with her parents.

“How was the Underground?” She asked, before she could even think if it was an appropriate question. He stopped for a moment and gave her a sidelong glance, before resuming his work. The piece of paper was starting to take shape now.

“Why do you want to know that?” Mikasa couldn’t recognize his voice tone. He was leaning slightly over the desk and his locks of hair fell into his forehead. At least he didn’t look annoyed…

Mikasa only shrugged in silence, and he took a glimpse of her again. 

“It was… filthy,” he finally said and Mikasa almost giggled. She should have seen it coming. He didn’t elaborate and Mikasa’s smile disappeared. It was evident that they both had memories they didn’t want to go back to. So it was better if she didn’t keep on digging in there. 

“Shit, I messed it up again,” he complained in a low voice.

Mikasa looked at the square he was trying to unfold and checked the instructions at the book.

“I think you have to separate these two parts here now,” she said, taking over the project from Levi’s hand. Their fingertips slightly brushed, and Mikasa’s heart skipped a beat. She felt his gaze like a heavy weight on her back as she opened half of the square in two. “These are the wings, you see?”

“I’m not blind,” he replied and sat on the edge of the desk.

Mikasa tried to shape their final product to make it look like a crane. And if they used their imagination, their paper sculpture could closely resemble an awful bird.

She smiled slightly as she cradled the paper crane in her hands.

“Not bad for a first try,” was her final verdict. 

Levi looked at her for a long moment. Mikasa froze, realizing _where_ she was and _how_ intimate the scene of them both was. Of all the things she had imagined for herself that morning, the last of them was ending up in Levi’s office making paper figures. She felt weird, but she also had a warm, pleasant sensation in her chest. Mikasa had only shared those moments of closeness with Eren, and she always thought she would never reach that level of intimacy with anyone else but him. Levi was getting closer and closer every time, and not only that, Mikasa was _running_ after him, literally, leaving her friends behind, just for a moment with the Captain. 

She pressed her lips together, hoping their friends wouldn't ask her anything later. 

“It’s getting late, you should leave,” he said as he stood straight and shook out his uniform. "Before you get used to turning my office into an art class," he added. 

"You started folding the paper first, , sir," she replied under her breath. He had picked a document from his desk and started to read it, as if Mikasa wasn't there anymore.

"Did you say something?" He barely raised his eyes from the document.

Mikasa shook her head and stood up, preparing to leave. Until she saw the bird they had just made.

“Can I have it?” She asked, holding the paper crane with both hands. It sounded like a silly question out of her head, but she wanted to know if it was okay if she kept their work.

_Their work._

Levi looked at her for a second and shrugged, without saying anything. 

Mikasa closed the book and held it against her chest. “Then, I’m going now. Good night,” she said in a soft voice and rushed out.

But he called her before she left.

“Mikasa…” she turned and saw him staring at her with his usual intensity. Behind his desk, he looked small, but the shimmering lights from the candles gave him a distinctive appearance. He never looked small. Not to her eyes.

The sudden silence made her heart race in her throat.

After a moment that felt like an eternity, he shook his head and waved his hand in a gesture of dismissal. "Nothing. You may leave."

She closed the door behind her, and leaned against it, letting out a long sigh. Just then she realized she had crumpled the origami in her hands. And it was just a sloppy, sad bird now.

She chuckled.

_It seems… like I’m only good at destroying things._

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, and leaving kudos and commenting 💕💕💕💕


	5. Different

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> UPDATE AT LAST!!!! I'm a super slow writer so I apologize for not updating in two weeks lol. This was again beta-ed by @Fanofmanyfandoms so my shout-outs to her 💕💕💕💕. Hope you enjoy this!!

* * *

Training in urban warfare was very demanding, not only for the new recruits, but also for the experienced Corps. All these years, they have been trained to manipulate their vertical maneuvering equipment with the Titans as their enemies, who were most of the time, big and clumsy targets. 

Now the enemies were not clueless Titans, but clever Humans. 

Instead of their usual weapons, they were now training with the anti-personnel maneuvering equipment: a secret weapon developed by the Military Police to fight the Survey Corps in the past, but ironically enough now used primarily by the the latter.

The new equipment used firearms instead of blades, and Mikasa would be lying if she said it didn't make her feel uneasy. Before knowing that the Titans were humans, she didn't feel any remorse or guilt for killing them. They had destroyed her hometown, after all, and taken countless lives. But it was all different when they knew the truth about the Titans. She couldn't stop thinking that those mindless beasts were former humans, with loves, fears, ambitions, just like she was, just like all of them were. 

Eldians under Ymir's curse.

And now fighting (killing) humans was something else. Mikasa didn't think she was made for that. She couldn't kill Reiner nor Berthold when she had the chance. That is why they were in this situation in the first place. But she didn't have more room in her heart anymore for anyone else who was not her friend. Who was not Eren.

_Eren._

A gun felt heavier in her hands than the blades. 

After all these years, the blades were almost part of Mikasa's body; she felt uneasy when she didn’t carry them around, as if she couldn’t balance her weight properly. And now handling a gun felt like she had grown a completely new limb on her body. 

An alien limb. 

But she had no trouble mastering firearms. She pulled the trigger and the gunshots echoed throughout her body as she flew through the air. She landed gracefully a couple of meters away. The targets they had set up on the training field were full of holes and a faint plume of smoke emanated from them. 

She was trained to destroy things after all. That’s all she was good at.

“Mikasa! You hit all targets!” celebrated Hanji. “As expected from an Ackerman!”

Mikasa rolled her eyes.

_Not again..._

They abandoned the training field once the practice was over. Today, it was Mikasa’s turn to clean up the armory, and she had to make sure all the weapons were properly stored and unloaded. All soldiers took turns doing these tasks, from the most novice to the most experienced, as a reminder that everyone was an equally essential cog in that machine called the Survey Corps. 

Mikasa wasn’t really thinking about anything as she stored the weapons back in their place, when she heard a voice calling her out. 

"Ackerman, I need a word with you.”

She turned slightly and saw the last person she would’ve expected to address her. 

A red-haired boy, eyes frowned at her and arms folded. It was Floch. Mikasa had spoken to him once or twice, and every time it was an unpleasant exchange. 

She didn’t forget he said Armin was not worth saving. 

Mikasa frowned back at him.

"What is it?" She said turning her back on him, minding her business, as if he wasn’t worth the time.

"It's about Eren."

Mikasa’s fingers twitched and looked back at him with eyes-wide open. He smirked, as if he knew something she didn’t.

She tried to tone her surprise down and cleared her throat, before asking, in a casual tone: "What happened with Eren?"

Floch took two steps forward.

"Did he tell you something before he left?" He asked with importance. Mikasa raised an eyebrow. It was an odd question coming from him. And why did she have to share information with Floch anyway? She remembered what Connie had said the other day, something like Floch being obsessed with Eren. Since when Floch cared that much about him? Something felt off about all that.

Mikasa narrowed her eyes and closed the compartment she had just arranged. 

"What do you mean by _something?_ " Again, her clueless and casual tone. Floch grew increasingly impatient, and took another two steps further.

"Something about why he left,” he muttered. “Or his true intentions."

 _True intentions?_ Mikasa blinked in confusion. _What other intention could Eren have besides saving them all?_ That exchange was not going anywhere. Did Floch know something she didn’t? She clicked her tongue in annoyance.

"If I knew something else it would be none of your business, Floch." She stated, staring daggers at him. 

Mikasa intended to walk past him, fully finished with the conservation, but he grabbed her by her arm and caught her by surprise. 

"You are not understanding," he alleged. 

Mikasa broke off from his grip with a quick movement, evidently annoyed by his touch. Discussing with Folch wasn’t what she had planned to do after an early training session, but, he sure was insistent. Apparently there was no way to get rid of him without resorting to violence. And Mikasa didn’t want to punch him.

Yet.

"Well, _you_ tell me,” she replied. “What do I have to understand?”

He grabbed her by the shoulders this time, and squeezed her tightly.

"Are you on Eren's side or not?" he finally asked, with a hint of secrecy. His face was too close to hers and there was sort of a maniac spark in his eyes.

She would have knocked Floch down in that precise moment (and he should have let her go if he knew what was good for him) _._ But many doubts welled up in her chest. _What was even Floch talking about?_

“What do you mean by Eren’s side…” she muttered, teeth gritted and hands in fists. He just tilted his head with a strange smile.

“Ooh, and I was here thinking you were his girlfriend and knew it all.”

Mikasa's patience had a limit. 

"That is not your business."

She kneed him in his crotch with all her might. Floch’s body bundled over in pain and Mikasa headbutted him. Within seconds, Floch was writhing in pain on the floor. She looked down on him and shook out her uniform.

“You touch me again and you’ll never bear children, you hear me?” She threatened him. He just crawled back, rubbing his head. 

“You, bitch,” he muttered as he tried to stand up, limping in the process. Mikasa acted as if she didn’t hear him. She just wanted him out of her sight. 

Floch slowly left the room and Mikasa tried to resume her duties, but her hands were shaking. What was all that? Is there something she should know? Something Eren told Floch but not to her? 

There were many things he didn’t tell her.

At that moment, she heard Floch in the hallway clicking his heels together and knocking his chest, as if he was giving the military salute. 

“Captain,” he said.

“Leave it,” replied a voice Mikasa knew well. 

She turned her back on the door and acted as if she was still tidying up the armory, but she soon heard Levi entering the room. She gulped. Why was he there? Hopefully, he didn’t hear what just happened. 

Mikasa pretended not to notice him, her heart still beating fast from the sudden adrenaline of her confrontation with Flock. He cleared his throat after a minute, informing of his presence. 

She picked up a box, trying hard to prove that she was busy.

“What is it… _sir?_ ” Her voice sounded more aggressive than she intended. But she couldn’t help it. God, she was _pissed_. 

The Captain was standing under the door frame, hands in his pockets, looking around with uninterested eyes. His face was completely blank, but something made her think that he was slightly amused. 

“Nothing. You seem to have everything under control.” he replied. The edge of his lips curved just slightly. 

Mikasa turned away and hid her face behind the box she had in her hands. 

“Did you… hear all that?” she asked, as she put the box away and avoided eye-contact with Levi. 

He took some time to reply. 

“I heard enough.”

She gave a long sigh and turned to face him. Any trace of what might have been a smile had disappeared from his face. He stood there in silence, and Mikasa was growing nervous. 

“Can I help you with something, sir?”. The room was uncluttered and she had nothing else to tidy up to pretend she was occupied. She didn't want to talk about what just happened and wished he wouldn't bring it up.

"I'm inspecting your cleaning duties," he replied dryly, sweeping the room with his eyes. "This is close to acceptable… I guess."

Mikasa raised an eyebrow. She bet the Captain had better things to do with his time.

"Are you serious?"

"Sarcasm, Ackerman," he said with a bored voice and folded his arms. "I was looking for you actually."

Mikasa frowned at him. "Is that also sarcasm?"

He narrowed his eyes. 

"No."

He said so straight-forwardly that it made her heart jump to her throat. His eyes felt heavy on her own, as if he was evaluating every little change in her expression.

"What is it?" She asked, trying to impose the most militarized voice she could.

"I’m taking you with me," he announced with the same dispirited voice as always. Mikasa did her best to hide her shock at the sudden announcement.

"Where to, may I ask?" She tried to sound uninterested but couldn't stop thinking in their last exchange when they talked about his meeting with Azumabito.

_Why didn't take me with you?_

She blushed slightly. She always remembered those awkward remarks in the least adequate moments.

Levi, on the other hand, was unbothered. His face was a mystery, as always. 

"To the Queen's estate," he finally said.

* * *

Levi told her to meet him in an hour and Mikasa didn’t have much time to pack her things up. He didn’t mention how long they were going to be out, nor how far was Historia’s estate. She only knew that the Queen was not staying in the orphanage anymore and her location was only known by some members of the military (“ _But she insisted that you were there, so I guess you are part of that exclusive group now,_ ” Levi had said). Mikasa just packed essential things that didn’t make too much of a fuss, and headed to the headquarter’s entrance. Before leaving her room, she saw the sloppy, ugly paper crane on her desk. She stared at the little sculpture for a moment, and without thinking much, she tucked it inside her pocket. 

Levi was waiting for her with two horses outside the headquarters. They didn’t exchange many words as they arranged the horses’ saddlebags and rode towards the horizon. Levi led, and Mikasa followed. The rhythmic ride filled the silence that hung over them. 

They soon left the city behind and headed out into the open field. In the distance, they could see some of the newly built villages, people chopping wood and building their houses. Mikasa could smell the scent of burning wood, wild grass and pine. She had missed going out into nature.

But there were still many things she didn’t understand. Levi didn’t explain to her why the Queen summoned her, nor what was the rush to leave. Probably everything would be in a rush from now on. There wasn’t much time left for the raid on Marley, Zeke had only one year left to give the Best Titan away, and Eren…

_Eren._

She shook her head trying to cancel out those gloomy thoughts.

“Captain Levi,” she called him after an hour of silent riding. He grunted, signaling he was listening. “Why do I have to be there?" She asked what she couldn’t in the midst of the hustle. 

He had his back turned to her, but Mikasa could see him rolling his eyes. 

"Ask the Queen. She demanded your presence there,” he replied sharply. Mikasa pursed her lips, she should have expected no answer from him. 

"And why are you coming, sir?"

Levi had slowed down, and was now riding side by side next to Mikasa. He gave her a quick sideways glance, and focused again on the road. 

"Mm? Do you think I'm escorting you?," he asked in the same lethargic tone as always. Mikasa had to hold on tight to the straps to not fall off the horse.

"I wouldn’t need an escort,” she said after clearing her throat, imposing the most confident voice she had. “I’m perfectly capable of taking care of myself.."

If Mikasa's eyes didn't deceive her, she could swear that Levi looked slightly amused once again.

"Yes, I saw it today," he said. "And Floch agrees."

Mikasa tucked half of her face inside her scarf so he wouldn’t see her blushing. Beating up other colleagues wasn’t something she was proud of, but she still thought that Floch had brought it on himself. 

She was meditating on what Floch had told her that morning, when Levi snapped her out of her thoughts.

"I'm not scorting you, by the way. I have a meeting with Historia to inform her about Azumabito. She can't move to the capital because she's… well, pregnant.”

Mikasa’s stomach twisted, and suddenly, she didn’t want to talk anymore. She didn’t know if she was looking forward to seeing Historia more pregnant than she was a month ago, expecting Eren’s child. 

_Historia and Eren_. 

Her chest was a pit of sorrow. But she was a soldier and had to obey instructions.

Levi noticed her sudden change of mood and clicked his tongue. "Hey, brat. Keep your eyes on the road."

Mikasa shook out her thoughts again.

"Yes, sir."

The sun was at its highest point in the sky. It was probably midday, Mikasa thought. They had been riding at full speed for two hours, but she still didn't know where they were going. It was the same every time she left the headquarters: she couldn't recognize Paradis anymore. Entire forests were disappearing under roads and railways, and hundreds of villages were popping up like mushrooms in the rain.

"How long is the journey?" Mikasa asked after yet another long stretch without speaking. She could tell the horses were getting tired. 

Levi took a moment to reply, his eyes fixed on the road.

"Tomorrow morning."

"Tomorrow!?" 

Levi clicked his tongue and looked sideways at her. 

"If you don't want to kill the horses. Yes. Tomorrow."

She gulped and did the best to sound as indifferent as possible to ask: "Where are we staying overnight, sir?"

The sound of the riding horses filled the silence. 

“There is a shelter from the Survey Corps along the way,” he answered after some moments. “It was used during former outside explorations to stick up on supplies, but it is not in use anymore.” Mikasa tightened the horse's straps. _Were they going to spend the night… alone?_ “There is a poor bastard on duty defending the shelter from bandits. And that's all,” he added as if he had guessed what Mikasa was thinking. “That shelter is no longer of any strategic use, but it comes in handy during these missions.”

After another stretch of riding, they came up next to a stream. Levi gestured to her, as if he was saying they should stop and let the horses rest for a moment. 

Mikasa dismounted and let her horse drink by the stream. She took a water bottle from the saddlebags and drank a long gulp. Levi had sat on a stone next to the stream, his eyes fixed in the course of water. 

"Captain,” Mikasa called him. He had his back turned to her, but she knew he was listening. There was something whirling in her mind and she had no one else to talk to. “Floch told me…"

"I know what he told you,” he interrupted her. Mikasa sat by his side, but he made no sign of noticing her. She bit her bottom lip, also focusing her eyes on the stream. The murmur of running water kept them company for a while. 

"What do you think it means?" she finally asked. He gave out a long sigh. Maybe he had also been dwelling on the same matter.

"That we should keep a closer eye on Eren… More than ever," he concluded. Levi placed his palms on his thighs, elbows outward. Mikasa could see the locks of hair falling on his forehead as he was deep in thought. He noticed that she was staring and looked at her out of the corner of his eye. "He really didn't say anything to you before he left?" he inquired in a grave voice.

It was not the first time she was asked the same question. _What did Eren have in mind? Did he tell you anything about it?_ She was the closest person to him. Allegedly. She _had_ to know something. _His true intentions_ , as Floch said. But the truth was that she had no idea. She felt as if she didn't understand Eren anymore. 

But then, she remembered the last thing he told her.

_"What am I to you?"_

Mikasa hadn't told anyone about it.

"...No, he didn’t," replied Mikasa, averting her gaze from the Captain's. The horses had already been watered and were now grazing lazily next to them. A flock of birds flew over them, squawking. 

"You’re a bad liar, Ackerman," he said, in a tone as casual as if he were saying that the sky is blue. “Try lying to someone who believes you, like Arlert, for example.”

She pursed her lips. Maybe there was no use in lying to him, when she was such an easily read material. Not that she liked it. Not that she could help it either.

"He asked me… what was I to him…" she replied in a soft voice. She bent down to dip a hand into the water. It was cold, and ran quickly among the stones and reeds. "And I told him he was my family," she continued in the same lethargic, gloomy tone. She felt somewhat ridiculous telling Levi -of all people- her last encounter with Eren. _As if he was interested_. Well, he was the one who asked after all. 

Levi slowly rose to his feet and shook out his uniform. If he heard anything of what Mikasa said, he didn’t show it. A lump had formed in Mikasa’s throat and suddenly tears were welling up in her eyes. Good thing Levi stood up: she didn’t want him to see her cry.

"Maybe… if I'd told him something different...” she mumbled out loud, more to herself than Levi. She pulled her fingers out of the water, they were numb with cold. But her tears were warm. 

Levi hadn’t strayed as far as she thought, and managed to listen.

"That wouldn't have changed anything," he said in a sharp voice that stuck into Mikasa's heart.

It hurt, but the worst part about it was… he was right. 

* * *

Mikasa had to do her best to put her heart aside and concentrate on the mission, but she couldn’t stop thinking about Eren. She didn’t want to doubt him anymore, but all the pieces of information didn’t fit together. His sudden disapparition in Marley, the letter, Floch... It was becoming increasingly difficult to trust him blindly, and Eren was moving farther and farther away.

She clicked her tongue. Floch had really ruined her day.  _ I should have hit him harder,  _ Mikasa thought, riding into the sunset _. _

They arrived at the shelter at nightfall. The building was a tower that looked quite old, but well maintained. Smoke came from the top floor, providing heat and light. Although there was no need for light, as a full moon was shining high in the sky. 

They tied the horses in the stable, and Levi rang the bell on the first floor, signaling their arrival. A young man leaned out from a window, with a cloth covering half of his face and a broom in his hand. Mikasa raised an eyebrow.  _ Was he… cleaning? At this hour? _

The boy was a soldier from the Survey Corps, although Mikasa had never seen him. He was probably a new recruit. He opened the door nervously, apologizing with many bows even before saying anything. Levi looked down on him with folded arms. 

“I’m sorry, sir. They just informed me a couple of hours ago that you were coming. I was cleaning…” he muttered, but Levi walked past him without a word. Mikasa followed him.

There was a small stone entrance hall which led to a staircase. The rooms were probably upstairs. In a corner, there were some boxes of canned food stacked ,and Mikasa remembered that this was a former supply point. It wasn’t as dirty, in Mikasa’s opinion. Just dark, humid, and airless. You couldn't ask much from an old building that no one was really using. But Levi didn’t seem very happy.

He clicked his tongue. “Tch. I hope the rooms are better.”

The boy took a torch from the hallway and led them up in the stairs. It was a narrow, dark staircase, and Mikasa could barely see where she was walking. After a few moments, they came to another room. There was a table and a couple of chairs, and the moonlight came in through the window. Another couple of boxes were piled up in a corner, as some jars with water. 

“The bedrooms are this way,” said the boy. 

To the left were two rooms. 

_ Two rooms. _

And three people.

Mikasa gulped.

“Mikasa, you take the empty room,” said Levi. “I’ll stick with this brat.”

The boy gave a startle and almost dropped the torch in his hands. “Are you sure, sir Ackerman? I don’t want to disturb you,” Levi glared daggers into him.

“If you don't like it you can sleep with the horses."

* * *

Mikasa's room resembled a storage room more than a bedroom. And it probably was. There was only a sleeping bag and more boxes piled up. She was so tired from riding all day that she didn't even take off her vertical maneuvering equipment, and lay down on the sleeping bag.

But she couldn't fall asleep.

Her ghosts started to lurk on her thoughts.

Mom and Dad always wandered around in her head. Seeing them on the back of her eyelids always left her with a warm but painful feeling. She wished she could only remember the sweet parts of her childhood, but the bitter end would always be there to haunt her. No child remained a child after seeing her parents get killed. And Mikasa was not a child for long, she had to grow up by force. 

Then it would be Eren's turn to grow up by force the day the Titans broke into Shiganshina.

The child Eren used to be had also disappeared from this world, and he was now a ghost haunting Mikasa's sleep. His confident eyes that resembled two lanterns guiding the way, were now extinguished. And his strong laughter had died down. Mikasa couldn't help but wonder when everything went wrong. When was she left adrift, with no guide to follow.

Now she had to pick up her pieces and find her own path.

She tossed and turned in the sleeping bag for what seemed like hours, and her stomach growled with hunger. She thought she had trained her body to resist long periods with no food, but she was a human being after all.

She peeked into the main room to see if she could find anything to eat among the boxes with canned food, but instead, she found Levi sitting at the table with a candle lit at his side, and an open book in front of him.

They stared at each other for a long moment, before Levi broke the silence:

“If you're hungry you can see what's in the boxes,” he said in his usual tone and resuming his reading. 

"Can't sleep either, captain?" Asked Mikasa as she walked over a stack of boxes and searched for food. She said it so lightly, but it was a serious matter: Levi probably had more ghosts haunting his dreams than she did. 

He tilted his head, pondering her question.

"Let's say that I'm not comfortable sharing a room with a stranger," he replied and turned a page, without looking up.

Mikasa straightened up and stared at him, with a can in her hand.

"You can sleep in here if you want to," she said casually pointing to the room she just left. But then, she realized the weight of her words. "I mean… we are soldiers, soldiers sleep anywhere," she tried to correct herself as she turned her attention to the boxes once again.

Mikasa had slept in many places before. On stone, on grass, on wood, even inside a cell. She had also slept with many people in the same room, men and women, friends and strangers. She was a soldier after all. That's what soldiers do: they sleep wherever the mission takes them. She didn't mind sleeping in the same room as that soldier she had just met, but just the thought of sleeping in the same room as Levi made her heart flutter.

_ Why was that? _

Levi rolled his eyes and turned another page.

"I know what you mean, Ackerman. But no, thank you. I'm okay like this."

Mikasa tried to drop the subject, but her mind was going a thousand miles an hour, and Levi's imposing presence in the same room didn't help to ease her fluttered chest.

"Am I a stranger?" She asked not quite sure whether she said it to herself or out loud. She had her back turned to him with her hand still firmly grabbing the same can. Hopefully, he hadn't heard her.

But then, he gave a long sigh and closed the book.

_ Shit. He heard. _

"No, Mikasa," He replied in a tired voice. Mikasa looked at him out of the corner of her eye. He pressed his nose bridge with his index and thumb, in a gesture of exhaustion, as if he was discussing something with himself.

He looked…  _ confused _ .

Mikasa blinked. Levi was never confused. Or at least he never showed it. He was a lot like her: he was like an arrow, always looking forward,  _ no regrets _ . But in that poorly lit room, doubts seemed to lurk around him like shadows.

He got up from the table and headed for the stairs, but before exiting the room, he turned slightly to face Mikasa.

"You are… different," he said in a drained voice.

Mikasa heard the echo of the stone staircase fade in the distance, as she stood blankly, still with a tin can in her hand.

_ Was it… a good or a bad "different?" _

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (I might have or might have not written this fanfic just to make Mikasa kick the shit out of Floch lol)  
> I KNOW THIS IS GOING SLOW AND THERE IS STILL NOT MUCH RIVAMIKA DEVELOPMENT !!¡¡¡ but I'm too invested in exploring Mikasa's feeling and her character development without Eren. I can't stop sorryyyyy  
> If you've read me before you know I love clichés 8D and I know the "oh no there is only one bed" scene might be full of common places BUT I DON'T CARE I LOVE CLICHÉS expect more from that in future chapters lol  
> anddddd i also want to mention that today is my birthdayyy 🥳🥳🥳 so if you want to make me happy you can give this work some kudos or leave a comment eheheh  
> thankssss for sticking with this story even though i'm super slowww 💕💕💕


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